(Note: I originally wrote this over a year ago but never published it. Upon re-reading it today, I thought it might be relatable for others who may also be feeling this way so I decided to post it)
I've noticed lately a new emotion and feeling permeating my thoughts.
If you’ve read some of my other blog posts, you will know that my feelings toward my father have always leaned toward deep sadness and a sense of betrayal. The traditional expression of anger or rage has not been my go-to response. However, if you’ve ever seen a “feelings wheel” (https://feelingswheel.com), you’ll see that betrayal and let-down are extensions of the feeling of anger.
I suppose I have more anger than I realize, with my own way of expressing it. For example, I noticed that in the first couple of years after disclosure, expletives found their way into my vocabulary more than usual. I’ve since toned down the potty mouth, but I still find myself occasionally blurting out the f-word (to myself) when a memory or feeling of anguish and heartache arises. It’s often a very quick and sudden remembrance, a feeling of “Oh yeah, that did happen,” and that quick “f*ck” (or quite often it’s the phrase, “WTF”) serves as a release of that hurt and anger. It’s a freeing feeling when I do that because I can almost feel that little bit of anger, frustration, or disappointment being transformed and released.
But heartache and sadness continue to be the dominant emotions for me. Over the last few months, I have felt this evolve into something I had not felt before: abandonment.
It’s been over five years, and my father has not taken responsibility or come forward to tell me how sorry he is for what he did (Ok, he has said he is 'sorry for the pain caused' but it has been followed by saying that he really doesn't know what happened). As a child (and as an adult), I felt loved and cared for by him. I thought we had a close relationship, with mutual respect for each other. Of course, that trust was insubstantial, but as the months and years go by, I feel that he has abandoned me. My head says, “If he really cared for me, he’d speak truth to me. He would take responsibility.”
How long is he going to toe his line? When will he repent? Why hasn’t he already?
Emotionally, abandonment feels like being left behind or discarded. I know his behaviors are common for many, if not most, abusers, and that they are not about me. But it still hurts.
So that’s the current emotional phase I find myself in. The key word is “phase” because I know it is transient.
Comments