I recently participated in two Hidden Water circles, one in the fall of 2023 and the other this past spring. I had been trying to get into a circle for a couple of years (they fill up fast!). In this post, I'd like to share my experience.
What is a Circle?
Hidden Water is a non-profit organization that "strives to create a world where children are free from sexual harm." I encourage you to explore their website, particularly the Theory of Change page, which outlines their mission.
I came across Hidden Water during an online search. It was one of the first organizations I found that offered a specific group (circle) for parents of survivors. Their words struck a chord with me: "Family members who want to face the harm are often left without a roadmap. There is little out there guiding family members in how to best support healing and repair after the devastating impact of child sexual abuse."
Reading more about them, I realized I had found an organization that could provide a space for me to process the complex feelings and emotions I was still experiencing. While I had done two and a half years of therapy, I longed for community with other parents of survivors.
Hidden Water offers several types of circles:
Green Circles for those who were sexually harmed as a child or young person.
Orange Circles for non-offending parents or caregivers whose child was either harmed sexually, harmed a young person, or both.
Blue Circles for those impacted by the sexual harm to or caused by someone they love, or both (this circle includes partners, spouses, siblings, and other family members).
Purple Circles for those who harmed a young person sexually and are ready to take responsibility.
Dual Color Circles for those who identify with two colors.
I participated in an Orange Circle twice.
Importance of Inclusivity as it Relates to Ending Sexual Abuse
Before I share more about my experience, I want to say something about the Purple Circle. As someone who consciously strives to minimize any negative enregy I put out in the world, I appreciate this inclusive approach. Including offenders allows them to take accountability and begin their healing process. In some cases, this can lead to steps toward restoring relationships with those impacted by their actions.
I believe that to truly end child sexual abuse, we must find ways to support everyone affected, including the person who caused harm, and develop an understanding of their perspective as well as their pain and suffering. Ignoring them or simply putting them in jail will not bring about real change.
This concept might be difficult for some to grasp. Why would a family or survivor want to make amends with the person who caused them harm? Without sharing specific details (as each circle maintains a space of confidentiality), I can say that a fellow participant is doing just that. It was incredibly moving to hear their story and see the love, compassion, pain, and hard work involved in healing their family, including both the survivor and the offender.
I also understand that not every family can, will, should, or want to make these kinds of amends with the person who caused the harm. We must respect how each survivor and family chooses to move forward in healing and I believe that path can be taken in a way that does not generate any more pain and suffering in the world.
If you do not support restorative justice, please know that it is not mandated or imposed upon you while participating with Hidden Water (at least that was not my experience). In the two circles I attended, the focus was on each participant's journey and healing.
What It's Like Being in Circle
Most Hidden Water meetings are offered virtually, though there are a few in-person. For the two Orange circles that I participated, we met online. Healing Circles occur biannually (fall and spring) and meet weekly for 10-12 weeks, depending on the group size.
When you sign up, you will see the available days and times for each group. Circles are offered in languages other than English, depending on facilitator availability. To stay informed of future circles, it's best to subscribe to their newsletter.
For each type of circle, there are usually several options across most continental U.S. time zones. In both of my groups, participants were from various time zones, and one circle included someone who lives halfway around the world! If you're unsure which group is right for you, you can reach out to the organization. Their staff is respectful and responsive, and many are volunteers who are deeply passionate about their mission.
Before the first meeting, one of the two facilitators will contact you. You can expect to spend at least half an hour on the phone with them. They will introduce themselves, share why they volunteer for Hidden Water, and provide an overview of the organization's philosophy and the meeting structure.
By chance, I had the same two facilitators both times. They were caring, supportive, and skilled at facilitating, each being 10-15 years post-disclosure. I found that to be incredibly beneficial. I could see and hear how the abuse still impacted them, their survivor, and their families, along with how much healing they had experienced over time.
Each group consists of 4-6 participants, and at one of the first couple of meetings, your group will confirm the schedule and decide if any changes are needed, such as rescheduling around the holidays.
Healing Circle Flow - Week by Week
The first three weeks are an opportunity to meet your group, establish guidelines, and learn about the Hidden Water healing framework. At the second or third meeting, each participant (including the facilitators) will choose a date for when they will facilitate the group and share their personal story. Depending on the number of participants, this could take 7 or 8 weeks, followed by a final meeting to reflect on the experience.
What I Gained From Participation
Going into the first circle, I was uncertain about how much I would benefit. I had been trying to get into a circle for over a year, and by the time I finally did, I was feeling more emotionally stable. It also felt like my daughter was in a healthier place (like many parents, our emotions ebb and flow alongside our children's experiences, don’t they?).
I had previously participated in groups that followed similar guidelines—sharing from your own experience, no cross-talking or giving advice, and using a symbolic 'talking stick' (a way of communicating used by Indigenous communities to facilitate respectful dialogue and ensure that everyone has a chance to speak). I find this type of environment extremely supportive and respectful, fostering deep listening and a sense of community, which made me feel comfortable in the circles.
As the weeks progressed and participants began sharing their stories, I experienced deep personal growth. While we often hear of extreme sexual abuse stories in the news, being in a circle with individuals I could relate to was profound. Some shared similar experiences regarding the harm done to their children, creating a strong sense of connection and understanding. Being in these circles also alleviated my feelings of loneliness as a sense of belonging emerged from this community of people who share a similar, painful experience.
There were also moments when either someone was sharing, or when I started to speak, that 'aha' moments would arise. I would uncover buried feelings, (mis)perceptions, or thoughts that I could now recognize in myself—and this awareness felt liberating and healing.
Final Thoughts
Would I do it again? Absolutely. While some participants expressed nervousness about sharing their stories (these folks usually signed up for one of the last meetings), once they shared, they often described it as a powerful experience. For some, it was the first time they ever told their story. Yes, there were a lot of tears shed. But there was laughter, too. I will forever carry these friends in my heart.
I am deeply thankful to Hidden Water for creating a safe and caring space for everyone impacted by child sexual abuse—survivors, their loved ones, and even the offenders—to come together and heal.
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